Diverse Friends

Cross posted from To Loosen the Mind

And so it begins -- the marathon stretch of birthday parties, graduation parties, long weekend parties, and just-because-its-summer parties. This weekend was no exception.

Except, this time, my husband, who usually doesn't engage me in diversity conversations (knowing that we'll talk about it for the next few hours) actually turned to me during a birthday party and said, "Why are we the only brown people here?"

"Because. We are," was my witty response. "What do we want them to do about it?"

"I mean WHY are we the only brown people here? It's not like there is a shortage of people of color in this area or anything. So, why, in a room full of about 50 people, are we - and our children - the only brown people here?" He began to go on about how the children at the birthday party were all of school age, ranging from 4 year olds to 6 year olds, and that if this was an actual "school" party (the kind where you have to invite everyone in your class), then why were we the only brown people in the room (note: our children don't go to school with the children at the party - we know the parents from college).

"I don't know, honey. Believe it or not, there are people who don't know any people of color - at least not well enough to invite them to their kid's birthday party."

Husband wasn't impressed. "I just don't understand. I don't understand how kids can be in school and not know any children of color."

Needless to say, the party ended but the conversation didn't.

I reminded Husband of all the posts I have written over the past few years, all of the questions very well-meaning white parents write about how to engage in diversity, and all the frustrations people have about truly not having a diverse circle. Husband wasn't implying that the people at the party were racists nor that they were ignorant. Not at all.

Rather, the point he was making was this: How can we truly teach our children to accept others if the "others" are never in the room. How can we teach children to see the beauty in our diverse skin colors if there is only one color in the room? Religion? Regional accents? Hair texture? Language?

And, while this question often gets posed, it's worth bringing it back again -- can we truly learn to accept all people if we only meet one type of person?

Darmouth email and racism

Cheers of joy erupted at the breakfast table (at my Asian family house) when we read that the first Asian president of an Ivy League university was appointed to Dartmouth College. Reading his long list of accomplishments, that included activism in the health care industry and research, certainly helps to diminish the idea the belief that someone could possible pull the "he only got it because he's Asian" card (except for the fact that this is the FIRST time in hundreds of years that this is occuring!).

Then, of course, the other shoe dropped. An email sent out by a Dartmouth student that was.... get this ... included in a larger "newsletter" sent out to over 1,000 alumni and students was an email:

Date: March 3, 2009 11:06:39 AM EST
To: GOOD-MORNING@LISTSERV.DARTMOUTH.EDU
Subject: Good Morning

This is the Generic Good Morning Message for March 3, 2009.

Yesterday came the announcement that President of the College James Wright will be replaced by Chinaman Kim Jim Yong. And a little bit of me died inside.

It was a complete supplies.

On July 1, yet another hard-working American's job will be taken by an immigrant willing to work in substandard conditions at near-subsistent wage, saving half his money and sending the rest home to his village in the form of traveler's checks. Unless "Jim Yong Kim" means "I love Freedom" in Chinese, I don't want anything to do with him. Dartmouth is America, not Panda Garden Rice Village Restaurant.

Y'all get ready for an Asianification under the guise of diversity under the actual Malaysian-invasion leadership instituted under the guise of diversity. It's a slippery slope we are on. I for one want Democracy and apple pie, not Charlie Chan and the Curse of the Dragon Queen. I know I sure as shit won't ever be eating my Hop dubs bubs with chopsticks. I like to use my own two American hands.

Of course, a quick apology was issued - including the heard-it-all-before-passing-the-buck of "I didn't mean for it to be racist" bull -- and that it was meant to be satirical.

Yeah, people's race/ethnicity can certainly be used in humor as a part of a humorous agenda; however, this isn't funny. It isn't appropriate. And, yes it is racist.

Even more disturbing in some comment threads on the Ivy League blogs is the "guess you can't take a joke" type of line.

Post racial America... uh, huh. Sure.

Individual vs The System

cross posted from To Loosen The Mind

This past week hasn't been the best "diversity" week for me. Other than having Tim Wise come to shake things up a bit, the whole issue of walking-the-walk has been on the forefront of my brain and my work.

But, here's what's been ticking me off lately: the act of calling out racism and oppression, only to have people say things like, "Well *I* don't think that about people of color!" or "I've never exoticized anyone!" ... implying, then, therefore, the feelings and experiences don't exist.

This is a key point to understand for those who are loosening the mind. News flash: No, you may not actually personally engage in discrimination, racist acts or beliefs, or oppresion. BUT, if you belong to a group that does, then you must recognize and own up to it. This goes for any group in power -- group. Not just individuals.

I'll make it personal here ... so, yes, I am Catholic in a state that has a whole lot of other Catholics. I am religious, I believe lots of what is in the Bible, I pray with my children at night, I am married to a man. I also believe in gay marriage, a woman's right to choose, and the freedom of all (and no) religion in a person's life. While I'm liberal in my practices and beliefs, I also fully own that I follow a faith tradition that is NOT so inclusive. I've done my best to find the right fit church for me and my family -- one that pays a whole lot of attention to social justice, inequal treatment of others, and doesn't use the word "man" when referring to all people - even in the most traditional of the prayers. Yet, the Catholic church has yet to include gay marriages; and this goes against my very grain. So, in my non-religious realm, I am inclusive, I educate others about the gay community, I am vigiliant about making sure that "diversity" always also means LGBTQ. My children are friends with other kids who have 2 moms, 2 days, and we celebrate them as equally as anyone else. My children do not believe that only a man-and-a-woman can marry -- and they'll be the first ones to tell you that 2 men can be in love and that 2 women can be in love, just like their own mom and dad are in love.

But, when I read and hear about oppression that gay couples experience, I do not quickly run to say, "Well, that's just crazy that you feel that way ... after all, *I* do not believe it. So, therefore, it must not exist."

Then, why are people so quick to say this when the race conversation occurs. When I bring up that Black students are feeling marginalized, others are quick to say, "Well, *I* don't discriminate against Black students" or "I have a diverse staff, so I must be treating all Blacks equal" or "I've never thought of Hispanics as lazy, so that's just crazy that others do"? It doesn't make sense to me...

Individual vs The System.

That's great that you don't think of Asian women as exotic. It's encouraging that you think Hispanics can be day laborers and CEO's It's promising that you believe gay marriage is marriage. But, that doesn't mean the experience isn't real to Asians, Hispanics, and gay couples. It doesn't mean that others don't make up for what you don't do.

The promise is in the belief that we (individuals, communities, schools, political parties, countries, etc) can overcome the system of oppression through the determination and role modeling of individuals who refuse to marginalize others. However, we must be careful not to use the "But I don't do it" line to detract from the very real experiences that do exist.

Tim Wise, in his visit, said, "It seems as if people today use the 'I voted for Barack Obama' line in the same way that folks use to use the 'I have a Black friend' line." I'm finding this more and more true. That, while Obama's victory was a victory for our country and for people who believe in equality, we still have a long way to go. And, even in my Letter to My Children, I don't believe that racism is over just because President Obama was elected. It's too easy to believe that. His election doesn't erase the hate crimes that have happened in my own city in the past few months. His election doesn't mean that all of a sudden workplace discrimination has ended or that people of color aren't statistically experiencing racism.

What it does signal is that enough people are tired of racism. That enough people believe that there is a different story to be told, and that we are eager to hear it.

Good reads:

Between Barack and a Hard Place by Tim Wise -- check it out! Just got my hands on a copy and love it!

How Important is Diversity?

Check out this fantastic post over at Anti-Racist Parent about "How Important Is Diversity When Choosing a School?" The question is posed by a parent who is looking for advice as to whether to choose a school that has a good representation of diversity, but I think it's very relevant in the conversation about choosing a college, too.

In that thread, I wrote a comment (#11) about what I thought. Check it out!

From the editor, Tami:

Choosing the right school for a child can be a difficult for any parent. No matter the race of your child, diversity is but one factor to consider among academic and other concerns. Which factor should be paramount? The aggravating thing is that there is really no right answer to that question. They key is determining the right decision for your child and your family at any given point in time.

My response:

I think it’s wonderful when people can choose their school, however I’m in the population where we can’t choose our school. We moved to the city/town we did because it was what we could afford. The better funded school system was just too much for us to afford in terms of taxes, etc.

I agree that it is difficult to be the “only” ( I was one of the onlies throughout my entire secondary education). However, even though a school may be diverse in terms of population, there is so much inequity in how kids are treated based on their race. For example, though a school is racially diverse, are all the Black kids stuck in the remedial programs and all the White kids in honors programs (regardless of academic talent)? Are kids of color disproportionately the ones sent to the Principal’s office or held inside during recess?

I sometimes think the bigger and better questions aren’t necessarily about the population of the students but rather the attitudes of the teachers/administrators. If there are White teachers who “get it” and who teach in a predominantly white school, I’d be more likely to send my bi-racial children (Latino/Asian) kids there than to a racially diverse school where all the kids of color are institutionally discriminated against.

With my 5 year old, I’m also realizing that all the good can happen at her school, but if she comes home and watches certain TV shows, she’s getting negative messages about people of color.

For those of us who can’t choose the school, I think the responsibility is on us - even more so - to make sure that our kids are getting the correct messages about diversity.

I write this, and yet, still wish I had more friends of color growing up..!

Check out the whole thing, though. It's well worth it!